Asking for it

I was thinking today that having kids is kind of like walking up to the grand canyon, peering over a little, thinking “That looks nice” and then throwing yourself right on over the edge.  OK, thats a little extreme, but here is why I think it.

I was doing something and hurt myself and thought “Hmm.  I hate pain”.  Shortly thereafter I thought of my girlfriend who is trying to get pregnant, and was telling me about the icky things she is going through and how some of it hurt.  And I thought to myself “You ain’t seen nothing yet, girly”.  I realize that was a little mean, but as I contemplate it, I think we all go in actually excited about having kids – and yet, everything about it hurts.  Why would we want something so badly that will hurt so very, very much?

For the women among you who have birthed babies, you will certain agree that it physically hurts – on all kinds of levels.  And it hurts emotionally too – the first time Andra refused to breast feed I cried and cried with Phil trying to explain that she wasn’t rejecting ME, but of course it didn’t matter what he told me.   I realized for the first time she was not my little adorable puppet, but she had free will, damn the luck.  Having kids hurts your feelings, your sanity, your organization, your house and furniture.  You lose control of everything. Sincerely, it all hurts.

But, in the end, life is messy, but that is what makes it good, yes?  Even if you throw yourself over the edge and end up broken and bleeding at the bottom, when that little kid looks over the edge above you and says “Are you OK, Mommy?” We just jump right up and say, “Why of course, Mommy just needs a band-aid.”  And most of the time, we’re glad  to climb right back up and even throw ourselves off again.  We deserve everything we get, I figure.

P.S.  While its not the Grand Canyon, today I threw myself over the edge of a small ravine, I think.  Since she already has her 3 dogs plus the current foster puppies (3 chihuahuas), when someone brought Michelle the neighbor a cat, she asked if we would “just hold on to it for a while” while they try to find its owners.  So we are living with the enemy tonight.  And while I have been dying for a pet, the memory of sitting on my couch going in to the body wracking, sobbing, ugly cry when we lost Ben (our last cat) is still pretty fresh for me.  I am telling myself I don’t have to love her, and she is just temporary and if we don’t find her owners that she will go off to the pound, but based on the fact that she is curled up, purring  on my lap while I type, I think that may not be the way it all plays out. Look!  How pretty is the canyon!

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