This week I feel like I woke up, just a little.
One of the things I have thought of lately is how Andra used to talk about her “other” family when she was 4 or 5 – a family that had a mother whose name was Ara, who had long black hair, in a braid, and she was very sad. There was a dad, and instead of Grace, there was a little brother. She talked about them all the time, and it always raised the hairs on my arms, it was so other worldly. She was very clear about them, and very specific. It made me wonder this week if she will remember us, too, when she gets where she is going.
I was thinking about waking up from grief. Surely, that is what you do. Grief is a dark, awful, wakeful slumber. As I wake up, I wonder, is it like this for those who have left us? For those who have crossed over to the wonderland on the other side? Do they awaken too?
Perhaps the Egyptians had the right idea, in one way. Perhaps where the Egyptians accumulated food and drink, riches and textiles, guards and mistresses entombed in clay vessels and chests, perhaps we send bits of ourselves too – a piece of our heart, the light in our awareness, bits of our love, and our sight. Maybe that is why the world is too dim, when we are grieving – we have lost our ability to see clearly so our loved one can see to find their way on the other side. And we are sore, physically drained and hurting as we have sent a share of our peace and physical health to help our loved one stand when she needs to walk, slowly and unsure, away from us. We cry, and we feel crazy, as we have sent what we can, every scrap of wisdom, sanity and heart that we can part with so that they might find some reason, some purpose in their new self, in their new world.
As the Egyptians were able to replace what they buried with their departed, I am hopeful we will be able to replace what we sent too, eventually. We will regain our sight. We will find more wisdom, and we will work with all of our being, to find peace wherever we can. Perhaps we can take comfort in believing that the pieces of ourselves we have lost, we gave to help our beloved. Had we been given the choice, we would have given all we have lost, and more.