I will remember her.

I never met Phil’s grandmother Ireta.  And yet, every day I stand in my kitchen and cook for her grandson, using her cannisters, her salt and pepper shakers, and checking time on her skillet clock, that is hanging on my wall.

I use her dessert dishes to serve my girls ice cream and smoothies, and I wear her apron when we bake.

I think of her all the time, and the stories Phil tells me of her, while my fingers pull the lid from the sugar cannister that her fingers pulled, over 20 years ago.

Lately, I feel just the tiniest bit better.  And I don’t want to.  I wage a war daily with myself, afraid that if I close my eyes to feel the sun on my face, or if I laugh about something stupid, but funny, that somehow, it takes me away from Andra.  I am afraid that feeling better means I am forgetting to be be miserable, and that if I forget to be miserable, then I am forgetting Andra.  It is ridiculous of course, but nonetheless, I fear it.

It gave me comfort, tonight, to realize how often I think of and truly, deeply appreciate a woman I never met.  A woman who taught Phil to embroider, and to make country style eggs on holiday mornings. 

I won’t forget Andra.  And you won’t forget Andra.  And somewhere, there is someone who may not have even known her, who will learn of her, and hear her story and appreciate her.  Even if I am not miserable.  I’m not ready to give up being miserable yet, but maybe there is hope that someday I will be ready.  And on that day, maybe I will stop worrying about forgetting Andra long enough to remember her.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I will remember her.

  1. Shelee says:

    I would never know how to put my feelings into words in a situation like yours. You do it so beautifullly, Jenine. Thank you so much for sharing.

  2. Laura says:

    I am Laura, an incoming freshman to Flowing Wells High School. I love to read your beautiful writing about Andra even though I did not know her. On Oct. 23 I was at Make A Difference Day at FWJH with many of my friends that were in Student Council. They had such amazing, sorrowful things to say about Andra, and even though I didn’t know her personally, I feel so touched by what I’ve heard about her. I wish I had been able to know the girl who has touched so many lives. I even wrote a song about her; I titled it “To The Girl I Never Knew”. That song was my way of remebering and appreciating her life. No, Andra will not be forgotten.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s