Fear Factor(y)

I have spent so much of the last year being terrified that I have gotten quite used to it.  Every phone call, or lack of a phone call, or anytime someone calls and I miss it or they don’t answer when I call – these all start me thinking.  Sometimes, thinking is bad. 

New things start me thinking. Like dropping Grace off at school, or not knowing if she is running in PE or wondering if Phil has updated his contact information at the gym or if everyone knows I love them.   Thinking. Worrying.  Fear. I am afraid if I don’t stop emailing Grace’s doctor he will change his email, and stop giving me free advice on how to manage my fear.

I used to say that “Worry is a wasted emotion” but apparently, I have lots of emotion to waste. 

This week, I am headed to Florida for a work conference.  And I am slightly less afraid than usual, which, of course, scares me. 

It was just weeks before Andra died that Phil and the girls went on a hunting trip together, and usually, that would leave me worrying the whole time about all the awful things that could happen, but that time, I opened my heart and said to myself “Stop worrying.  This doesn’t happen to people.  This just doesn’t happen to people.” And I honestly felt like I was letting go of the fear that had plagued me.  You all know how that ended – and having lost all faith that things I don’t want to happen won’t, I am back on the fear train, and how.

I am hoping I can travel without hard liquor (my flight is before noon).  I am hoping I can focus when I am supposed to be working, and that I can relax when the water beckons. Maybe there will be something calming about a place that has a high temperature, a low temperature and a water temperature that are all about the same.  

Plus, if I were really smart, I will be investing some extra energy worrying about running in to my loser ex boyfriend who lives in Florida – that would be really scary.

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